In which Demi misses routine.

Last night I didn't manage to settle down and sleep until almost 5am. Light was seeping out from the crack under my curtains, and a quick peek out of them confirmed I'd unintentionally stayed up until dawn again. Wasting time on the internet. Reading. Playing with the cats.And it looks like I'm heading the same way agan tonight.

Ishouldbesleeping. Ishouldbesleeping. Ishouldbesleeping.

Jobless and stranded a good 5 minute drive from my closest (geographically) friend, and about 20 minute drive from town and nightlife, I am finding myself slipping into an almost half existance. Morning consists of the endless hours before sleep - since when I wake up it tends to be closer to lunchtime than breakfast. I'm exercising, driving, doing the weekly shop; anything I can seize to keep me occupied. I miss the ease of living with 150 other teens. I miss having a bus stop practically outside the front door, with a cheap bus into town every 6 minutes or so.

I miss spontanaity, the basis of my university routine.

How ironic. xo.

 [What do you do when you're bored, it's the middle of the night and you have a spare mattress...?]

In which Demi muses about 'teams'.

And I'm not talking about the sports variety.

Team Edward .vs. Team Jacob. Team Jolie .vs. Team Aniston. Team Me .vs. Team Her.

[ This made me giggle. Source. ]

It's hard not to compare yourself to others, whether it be physically, academically - even in terms of meaningless material items. I thought I'd finally cracked it though; there's no point comparing yourself to others, there are only variations of self. If I say I'm not happy with my weight or figure, then I mean it in comparison to how I was at another time, not Keira Knightly for God's sake. Not once in my life, even as a scrawny pre-teen, can I say I boasted her figure. I have hips for starters, and I'm about 6 inches shorter. That's life.

Even at university, I'd finally come around to understand that there's only your own achivements to compare yourself to. It's not high school; there aren't top sets and bottom sets, there isn't a Gifted and Talented group or Prefects to proudly be part of. We're all some of the brightest minds in the country, and for once I am not the best at what I do. English is a particularly subjective subject - I might be lucky, for all I know. Maybe if my Lit exam had been marked by someone else they would have seen straight through my expansive vocabulary and complex sentences and realised I hated the bloody book and taken a dislike to the essay.

It's funny how things can shift. One day, one hour, one minute, one action... that's all it takes. Suddenly things tip over from being perfectly fine to slowly disintigrating. I try not to regret anything I do. I realise that I am only one small player within the much bigger game, and at the end of the day there's only so much I can do. Do your best, what seems right at the time. I guess I can't begrudge others for doing the same.

At the same time... I still wish things had happened differently. I guess my Team just couldn't compete. 3 strikes and I was out.

Until the next game at least. xo.